Three years ago I knew when I was in the depths of fresh grief that one day, the intense and physical pain of recent loss would ease and dull. I knew that someday I would move on with my life and that someday my memories would be bittersweet. Really, I did. I had grieved before; I had quite a few years of life behind me and I have probably read a few too many self help/psychbooks. It didn't matter though. Those first moments, days and weeks were often just a blur of intense pain and dull emptiness. I remember wanting to just go to sleep for four, five, six months and wake up when the pain had ebbed and flowed from my body.
I couldn't though. I had to do a lot of things I didn't feel like doing. I had to speak to a lot of people I didn't feel like speaking to. I had to learn to live with my new self....I was no longer the person I was before Beckett, I was a mom who lost a child. I am a mom who has lost a child, and I will forever be a mom who has lost a child.
Will some people be uncomfortable when I bring up his name in conversation from time to time? Yes, probably. Will some people judge me when they see me celebrate his birthday every year...even after three years? Five years? Twenty years? Likely, but it is my choice to honor and remember him and my personal need to respect the fact that I am a mother of three boys, not just two. Kian and Finn not only rest in my heart, they reside in my arms, my life. I don't forget that, but Beckett does live on as long as Bob and I do. We are here to testify that Beckett was here and he IS loved.
It was a absolutely beautiful evening. The red balloon is for Ryan, the son of Brenna and Joe. Ryan, last week, took the same journey that Beckett did. May his memory be eternal and live on in their hearts as well.
Kian, Finn and Daddy getting ready to release the balloons.
Balloons
Off they go!
Kian was not happy when we first let the balloons loose. Poor guy.
Daddy, Kian and Monkey Matt watch the balloons go.
I know Finn is too young to understand and wasn't mourning his brother, this little tear just tugged at my heartstrings. Such a sweetie.
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...and since I am behind..some happy Halloween photos. The boys had colds, but they were troopers for their first time trick or treating (about five houses).
Oh, and guess what?
Chicken BUTT! (remember that from SNL?)