2 Hours Traffic

Oh, woe is me...

So, tonight I decided to open up my book, "Good Poems for Hard Times."  the poems were selected and introduced by Garrison Keillor.  It is funny, but this is the poem I opened to...really and honestly...

Calling him back from layoff
by, Bob Hicock

I called a man today. After he said
hello and I said hello came a pause
during which it would have been

confusing to say hello again so I said
how are you doing and guess what, he said
fine and wondered aloud how I was

and it turns out I'm OK. He
was on the couch watching cars
painted with ads for Budweiser follow cars

painted with ads for Tide around an oval
that's a metaphor for life because
most of us run out of gas and settle

for getting drunk in the stands
and shouting at someone in a t-shirt
we want kraut on our dog. I said

he could have his job back and during
the pause that followed his whiskers
scrubbed the mouthpiece clean

and his breath passed in and out
in the tidal fashion popular
with mammals until he broke through

with the words how soon thank you
ohmyGod which crossed his lips and drove
through the wires on the backs of ions

as one long word as one hard prayer
of relief meant to be heard
by the sky. When he began to cry I tried

with the shape of my silence to say
I understood but each confession
of fear and poverty was more awkward

than what you learn in the shower.
After he hung up I went outside and sat
with one hand in the bower of the other

and thought if I turn my head to the left
it changes the song of the oriole
and if I give a job to one stomach other

forks are naked and if tonight a steak
sizzles in his kitchen do the seven
other people staring at their phones

hear?

..and I thought about Erich, the principal at SRRHS, and I thought about how difficult his day must have been.  It is a job I know I do not want nor could I do. 

Today, I was one of many who he spoke with.  I was told that my position will be 7/11th next year. That basically means I will be teaching 7 classes the entire year, which means I am a little less than 2/3 time.  I was one of many who had a bad day today....and my day wasn't as bad as others. I know that.  I want to believe that all will turn out fine; that once again, I will be resilient; that "everything has a purpose", "live in the moment", this is "just a blurb", and reminding myself that I have been through this before and worse and made it through.  ...but, I can't completely silence the "why me's" and the "it's not fairs."  I want to.  I want to be better than that...I just can't tonight. 

Now for something completely different...

I am busy.  Really busy...and believe it or not, it has to do with scrapbooking!  Yes, little ol' me who hadn't scrapped much and hadn't done any paper scrapping for MONTHS, is in the middle of a big pile of scrapbooking PAPER work.  I am really enjoying it...I forgot how much I do enjoy it, but my room is a mess again and I don't have time to do much else as of late....but it is all good.

I am trying to keep my mind off from work right now.  My school district is going through major budget cuts.  The school board is meeting tonight to approve the cuts, over 20 certified staff will be cut and many many more affected in some way.  I am scared.  I wasn't until recently, but I am now.  Because of the way things have shifted, it is certainly possible, after 9 years of teaching, that I could be cut or moved (it is still a big "could" but I am feeling pretty vulnerable right now).  I should know in the next couple of days.  No matter what, it will be a sad week, and at a minimum, I will know many people who will be affected.

So, ironically, the earworm I have today is a blues/jazz/alt song by Amy Winehouse.

"You Know I am no Good."

Our Letter...

I read this at the memorial on Saturday.  I DID get through it...I practiced reading it many times so I would not cry. 

Dear Beckett,

When we first came home, without you, we were consumed by our loss, by our empty arms. Your daddy and I cried more than we ever thought we could.. I sat around a lot and stared into space feeling the phantom kicks in my tummy and imagining you still there and catching myself and feeling all the pain of losing you over again. Both of us unable to really talk to anyone, unwilling to find any peace during the day, and having even worse luck at night.

However, as some time passed we realized that one of the beautiful things about your life was how you enriched ours in so many ways. We are not sure how such a little baby, that we never got to see grow and experience the world, changed our lives so dramatically, but you did. You were a gift in so many ways, and one of those ways was through the lessons you taught us, and the first lesson you taught us was about love. You helped us to reaffirm our love for each other, and you wedged into our hearts so deeply, we can’t imagine our lives without you part of it.

You also taught us a lesson about grieving and how to be better people. We admit that we are one of those couples who haven't always been good about sending sympathy cards or knowing what to say when others are grieving. In hindsight, there were times we really hit the mark and did a great job acknowledging grief of others, there were times when we did an average job and there were times when we were woefully neglectful. This experience has changed us. We have grieved before, but never like this. Never to the core, to an untouched place, to that deep dark place no one should ever have to go to. ...and with that, we have a new understanding of what to do and what not to do in the future. That it is in the simple things that we find comfort. A hug, a quiet moment of shared tears, a simple, “ I am so sorry I don't know what to say", a favorite poem shared. Nothing can take away the pain, but all these simple gestures of acknowledgement are often times all that are needed.

These gestures remind us of another lesson your life has taught us, the goodness and beauty of people in this world. We always knew we were loved, but we never knew the extent of that love until you taught us this lesson through your passing. You would have been born into not only a loving home with loving parents, but you would have been blessed by a network of love and kindness. Even complete strangers reached out to us through mutual friends or through fantastic organizations like Now I Lay me Down to Sleep who took the pictures of you when you were born.

We are humbled every day by the continued support we receive from all those people who loved you and support us. Just today, as we write this on a random day in February, we received a card from a co-worker reminding us that she was thinking of us, and we gaze at the Amaryllis on our kitchen table, red and in full bloom, that your great aunt and uncle sent us in memory of you. The beauty makes us smile and makes us think of you.

Finally, your life and passing has been a test of our strength and resilience. You were such a strong little boy. You came into this world feet first, wiggling and you grasped our fingers. Your little heartbeat was resilient and kept you with us as long as it possibly could. Even if we knew things would turn out the same, we would do it all again. Of course, we wish we had you in our arms. We wish we were getting ready to introduce you to your furry sisters and frantically vacuuming up their incessant fur for your arrival; we wish we were getting ready to show you your first spring; we wish we were bringing you into the world today, our St Patrick’s Day baby.; we wish we could see all our hopes and dreams for you come into fruition. Instead, we are saying our goodbyes to you, and we would take our few short hours with you that we did have, rather than not knowing you at all. When we first realized this, it kind of shocked us. We were surprised that so soon after the pain of losing you that we had no regrets. You blessed us beyond all other gifts we have had in our lives, and this blessing has given us the strength to move forward. One of mommy’s favorite songs says, …and the world spins madly on…honestly Beckett, sometimes it is hard to spin with the world, to find the strength to not dwell in the past, to live in the moment, but we keep reaching way down deep. We never for a moment forget you, but we do move on in the world and try to find the beauty in the moment.

So, thank you my baby. May you continue to live on in the hearts and minds of us all and may we continue to embrace the lessons you taught us.

Not only have you changed us forever, you ARE us forever. You have become part of who we are as people, and we will never be the same people we were before you came into our lives. As we walk on this earth without your physical presence, we carry you with us in our hearts .

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

It's times like these we learn to love again...

We made it through the day yesterday.  I just wanted to post a quick update.   The memorial was perfect...words cannot express just how beautiful and meaningful the ceremony was.  I need to go to bed...to face a Monday morning, but I just wanted to post a quick update since they have been few and far between lately.  My dad took a few photos (something I am so happy he did).  I just wanted to show them..to show how special this was...to show the love, the joy and the peacefulness of the day.  I will post more about this later this week. 

Thank you to those who were there in body and in spirit on Saturday.

..and this is the song we played during our candle lit vigil at a the end.  Certainly non traditional, but perfect for us.  A few years back, when we had four funerals in little over a year and three of them in 6 weeks (including my grandpa) this song was in heavy rotation (non acoustic) on the radio.  It really hit me, and I told Bob that I wanted it played at my funeral.  He reminded me of this  a couple weeks ago, and we decided to play it yesterday for Beckett and for all of those who came to support us and celebrate his life.  We played it with the applause and all!  We loved the fact that it is somewhat upbeat and positive... we wanted this to be a celebration of life.

The campus minister that lead the service, did not miss a beat...she had us all give a round of applause for Beckett afterward.  Like I said...it was pretty amazing.

OK..I really need to go to bed now.

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

Busy, busy, busy...

I am so busy! Thursday was the last day of the trimester at school (only 1/3 of the school year left!)  I still have some finals to grade and a few late assignments I am nice enough to accept still on Monday.

We are still working on our house.  The kitchen is almost done!  I will post some photos  of the finished product this week sometime.  We put in new counter tops, and added new hardware, sink and faucet.  Of course, we painted the walls green, added some Wonderful Graffiti, re-stained the cabinets and MADE a new cabinet for the new dishwasher.  Whew!  Although we are almost there, we still have stuff ALL OVER!

i am looking forward to and dreading the memorial service next Sat.  There is so much to do before that time, and I am still not sure how the entire service and day will work out, but I am sure it will.  It always does. 

We are in a state of chaos right now...  We are in that step of major cleaning where things LOOK worse than they did when they were not clean.  Still in the pulling apart stage.

Here is just a little sample of the mess. This is a tub of scrapbooking stuff I am going to either donate or sell.

Sosa doesn't know what to make of the chaos in our house.  She is sighing...deep heavy sighs...often.  She is even giving me the ol' shifty eye.  She wants her "spots" back.  Right now there are "people things" in her "spots."

Earworm today:

"The World Spins Madly On."  by the Weepies.

I feel this way often....

Gee, it is amazing how this works...

As the memorial service draws near and we have a lot to do around the house (cleaning and a few projects we want to get done before the day)..I get a sudden urge to scrapbook.  I am beyond amazing at procrastinating. It is a talent I tell ya!  Oh, and let's not forget that I have 55 research papers to grade before Thursday (end of the trimester!).

Anyway, they are still digital layouts, but the two I did in the last 24 hours are more than placing some photos on a background and calling it a day.  So, here they are...my hard labor for the weekend...

Here is what has been running through my head today.  "See the World" by Gomez.  It is really a great video and awesome lyrics:
Day to day
Where do you want to be?
'Cos now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need

You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You want out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
And the answer's still the same

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

See the world...

FYI: If anyone wants info on the memorial service that I did not contact via E-mail( I have a crappy/messy address book)...just drop me a line at [email protected]. 

Yesterday was a SNOW DAY!

Above: the view from my deck door today...  It is beautiful outside today after a couple days of almost continuous snow.

Not much new here. Bob and I went to the Olson's (I teach with Molly and Bob and Greg play golf together) last night (after a leisurely snow day).  We watched "For Your Consideration, " and then  I kicked behind in Scrabble  and Molly and I beat Bob and Greg at Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit!  I was pretty impressed with myself since Greg is a Scrabble/ Trivia fanatic.  Yeah, it is a sad sorry day when I resort to bragging about board game domination on my blog. 

Earworm: Deadwood by Dirty Pretty Things. I had to link to a live version. The "real" video is, well, a bit, um...well it borders on soft porn. ;-p

Have a great weekend everyone!