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March 17th...

Is St Patrick's Day, Beckett's estimated due date and the day we have decided to hold his memorial.  We thought it was an appropriate time to celebrate his short time with us and honor his memory.  More details to follow.

December 31st, 2006...we are planning on having a quiet evening.  We might go for dinner and a movie or just hang out here.  We haven't decided yet.  Today we are working on our kitchen.  Bob is putting new hardware on the cabinets as I speak and I am going to paint.  We are trying to get this house into shape.  We are also getting new counter tops soon and hopefully we will put down some new laminate flooring too.

This is a little late, but here are some photos from Christmas Eve Day.  We took the girls for a walk at Lura Lake/Daly Park... located right outside my hometown of Mapleton, MN.  It was a mild and beautiful day.

Here are a few from Christmas Day at my parent's house. 

My mom's rum cake:

 Bob, my brother Matt and SIL Kathy having a "traditional" Christmas checking on fantasy football scores.

My grandma, Evelyn.

My aunt, Paula.  I love the dramatic lighting in this shot.

My cousin, Kevin lounging.

My aunt, Sue.

Pretty railing...and you can still see Bob on the computer....he might be playing Spider Solitaire here though....

In the Spirit of the Holidays...

...the girls share a sofa.

I honestly haven't seen them do this for three years or so.  They will hang out on the floor next to each other, but never on the same sofa.  They are strange that way.  They have a system.  They have rules.  It is far too complex for mere humans to understand.

Not the best photo...caught it when I came out of the shower with low light...but it is nice to see they have the holiday spirit and allowed me a quick photo op.  ummm, yeah.... I think they are "almost" touching, but "completely" touching is most certainly NOT in the rules.

Pot Lucks, Poems and Hope

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old rug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

---Mary Oliver

I like the hopeful tone of this poem.  The ending seems very poignant as I move towards the next few days and into the coming new year that will bring me back to work.  On Tuesday, I went to work.  It was our annual holiday pot luck, and I had no plans on going, but the assistant principal, called and invited me...she said everyone would like to see me.  After a day of consideration, I decided to give it a try...hoping it would ease me into the first day back on the 3rd of Jan.

I am so glad I went.  I had some lovely conversations, ate fantastic food and received more hugs than I can count.

Also, Bob is feeling much better.  I am not 1oo%, but no major noro/flu symptoms YET.  I am still hoping for the best.

The flu is here...

Bob came home from work early.  Bob NEVER comes home from work early (unless it is to golf in the summer).  He has some type of noro/flu thing.  About half of the people in his small department have it too.  He usually gets over things fast, and I think he has already turned the corner.

I am hoping it isn't coming my way just when I found out good medical news.  Since I had gestational Diabetes and it was found at 8 weeks, it was assumed that I had Diabetes or pre-Diabetes before the pregnancy.  I found out today that I am neither.  YAY!

It was a real weight off my shoulders. I lost almost 20 lbs from before pregnancy to now as well...so I feel like I am on the right track.  I feel just one step closer to being able to TTC again.

Anyway,completely unrelated...I thought I would post my Christmas card here for posterity as well.

and a quote I have been thinking a lot about lately:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate your mind on the present moment- Buddha."

Something I need to remind myself of all the time.

Rings...

One of the things I really wanted to do was get a piece of jewelry that I could wear everyday to remember Beckett...something relatively subtle that I could keep for a lifetime.  Bob wanted something as well.  We talked about tattoos for awhile, but I honestly can't think of where I would put it, so jewelry became my quest.  Bob doesn't wear any type of jewelry other than his wedding ring, so a ring was probably the best bet.  I didn't want something disposable, but we can't spend a fortune either.

A woman on a grief message board mentioned getting a custom Celtic ring and I decided that was a fantastic idea.

Our pregnancy journey started with our trip to Ireland, and Beckett's name was inspired by that trip, so Irish Celtic rings made so much sense to us.  Simple and timeless and the knots seem to indicate a certain feel of eternity and love to me.

I found a wonderful company DeSignet International.  WOW!  They are so quick and so nice.  they are actually not charging us the custom fee because of our loss.  They are a fourth generation American small company...gotta love that!  The lettering will be the top sketch and we are going with the Tralee knot pictured at the bottom.

I am so excited to find something unique and meaningful to us.

Christmas #1 Done

First, a Navajo healing prayer that my uncle sent us when we lost Beckett.  I adore this and used it in my albums, mentioned below, for Beckett.

Well, we moved through our first Christmas celebration this last weekend.  Overall, it was a nice time.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew I  would get through it fine as well, and that was the case.  I only bought family gifts this year for the nieces and nephews.  First, because I was supposed to still be on bed rest, so I figured I would only be able to buy via catalog, and second, when I did end up not being on bed rest, I just wasn't up to shopping for a lot of kids.

I also decided not to take photos this year. I always do, but I decided to skip it this year.  We have another Christmas with my family next weekend...no kids this time, but it will still be difficult.

I did make albums of Beckett's photos for my MIL/FIL, Bob's aunt and my mom and dad.  It was a very emotional time, but I think they were a hit.

Here is a favorite photo that Heather Lombardo took of Beckett.  She volunteers for the amazing Now I Lay me Down to Sleep Organization.

I am still working on our own album.

Falling Apart

I seem to be falling apart
My attention span can be measured in seconds
My patience in minutes
I cry at the drop of a hat
I forget things constantly
The morning toast burns daily
I forget to sign the checks
Half of everything in the house is misplaced
Feelings of anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions
Rainy days seem extra dreary
Sunny days seem an outrage
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel half crazy
I am normal I am told
I am a newly grieving person

                    -Eloise Cole

I just thought I would share this poem today. 

A little journey...

 

When we arrived home from the hospital, one of the first things we had to figure out was where to put Beckett's things.  It is one of those little thoughts that can niggle around in the brain and cause a bit of a panic when one is grieving.  It sounds strange now, but it kinda consumed me.  I mean, we can't just leave his stuff sitting out on the coffee table (dogs, constant reminder etc...) We can't just put it in some random box stuffed in a closet; it deserves better than that.  So, I started thinking about what to do, and somehow I started to think about our journey. 

Our journey started in Europe, when we found out we were having Beckett, and now, Beckett's journey with us ended and he has moved on to a bigger adventure.  That thought led me to a suitcase.  I didn't want an adult type one; I wanted a cute child's suitcase, and through a lot of Internet research, I realized I wanted a French children's valise.  I ended up with three because they are so small,and they fit in our book case perfectly!

The largest contains Beckett's ashes, his blankets, his hat, his documents and his stuffed puppy that I had with me in bed in the hotel and hospital.  I wanted all of "his" stuff together in "his" suitcase. 

The medium suitcase carries mostly cards and a few odds and ends, like his social security card (which we were surprised to receive yesterday in the mail).  The smallest suitcase contains a onesie and a little hand-carved and painted boy angel.

I bought the onesie when I first arrived home from Europe.  I was scared then.  As some of you know, I had a major phobia of doctors (which I can say I am pretty much cured of...but still don't like and I suppose that is normal huh?).  I was excited about the pregnancy, but I was worried about the appointment and worried about losing my baby, and so I went shopping.  I decided that I would commemorate this pregnancy with one outfit...no matter what happened, I was going to buy something for THIS baby.  We have a few other items bought or given to us.  Those are put away...hopefully to share with Beckett's brother or sister some day, but this little outfit was just for him.

The wooden angel was bought yesterday.  When I saw it, I knew that I had to buy it.

I love the little star and guiding light...again, the journey continues, and I think he has an element of hope etched in his face.

Thoughts

I haven't updated this blog for some time.  Since my last post it has been a time of great joy, great obstacles and great sorrow.

Most anyone who may check this blog out probably knows our story, but for posterity, I have decided to post all of my E-mails to friends and family.  I am starting with the oldest and I will end with our final E-mail on Nov 17th.

Around Oct 18th:

First, the great news! The baby is still in there doing well.  We had a heck of a ride the last few days. 

I was 3 CM dilated (no contractions that I felt) and my bag of waters was bulging (went in on Mon because of a little bleeding...no one was really concerned at the time).  I was sent by ambulance to Abbott Northwestern in order to have their perintologists (sp?) perform a rescue cerclage surgery.  They stitched my cervix shut in surgery on Monday night.

At this time there is no known reason why  I was dilated.  I did not have any infections and the baby looks good (we are scheduling a level II U/S this month to make sure the baby is indeed as healthy as she/he looks and sounds.)  The Drs think I have an incompetent cervix.  Most women do not know they have one until they have a miscarriage in the 2nd or 3rd trimester.  I was really lucky that we caught it in time AND that the surgery appears to have been successful..no contractions or infection, so I am home, hopefully, for good.

Bad news:  I will be on bed rest (restroom, showers and appointments only) until I give birth (which they will be trying for at least 32 weeks).  Of course, originally, I was told that there was a SMALL chance that this surgery would happen. Then, I was told that there was a LARGE chance of complications with an emergency cerclage. Also, originally I was told that I would probably be in the HOSPITAL until delivery.  So, I guess things could be much worse, and I am thankful for every break that comes our way.

I am sad and frustrated to be leaving my students and coworkers so soon and so suddenly, and I thank you for the well wishes and extra help that I have already received from many of you.

I am unsure what the next few months will bring; however,  I am sure that after we get our new world figured out, I would love to have some visitors or some E-mails (jokes welcome).  I will check school E-mail, but the best way to get a hold of me is at: [email protected].  I would love to hear from all of you.

Thanks for following this VERRRRRRRY long E-mail.

Take care!

Around Nov 1st:

Hey everyone...I hope this Email makes it to you all and you are doing well.

The baby and I are back in the hospital, Abbott Northwestern, as of Tuesday.. 
Right now, I am just working towards 24 weeks and then we will go from there.

We are having a boy, and our level II ultrasound revealed that he looks perfect,
so we are very grateful for that.  Now we are just hoping that we can keep him
brewing for a while.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.  Bob is hanging out here as much as
possible, but one of us has to work, so today he is back to work, and he will be
back Friday night for the weekend. This is very hard for us, but we know we are
in the best
place we can possibly be...someone said that there are 16 perintologists on
staff here AND they have an amazing NICU.

I am in room 5476  and my phone is 612 863 2536... hopefully I will be here for
a long time.

Carey

On Nov 9th:

Hi everyone,

I hope this finds you all well.  Just a quick update to let you know that I have moved.

Yesterday I was checked out by a perintologist and the big news is.........I have stayed the same.  Although it would have been nice to have the membranes retreat, I am still very happy that things have not continued to worsen. Since I am stable, and as long as I STAY stable, the hospital moved me to the Sheraton Midtown, which is a block away from the hospital and attached to ANW.  At this time, the plan is to stay here until the 20th in an outpatient status, At 23 plus weeks, the baby becomes viable and they will start me on steroids to help the baby develop.  The plan is to readmit me at that time, so I will be here for about a week and a half.  Why? They are trying to keep the insurance company off our backs.  Because I am stable and because the baby is not viable YET, after about a week or so in the hospital, the insurance companies tend to get a bit bucky...and we do not want a $30,000 hospital bill...so anyway, I am only a few minutes away and I will be in constant contact with their resources.

I admit it does scare me (there is something calming about the hospital once one is there) ,and it is a pain to move, but the rooms are nice, there is high speed Internet, integrated health is following me here (massage,reflexology etc.....A BIG WOOO HOOOO), there is a flat screen T.V, and I will not have to eat hospital food for a few days....  I will miss the staff and security, but I know they are only a phone call away if needed.

A huge thank you to everyone's continued support!  I am strengthened by your words and acts, and Bob and I  reminded everyday how lucky we are to have you all in our lives.

Love, Carey

(again, send this on to anyone I missed)

On Nov 17th:

I am in no way ready to write this out, but I feel I need to let you all know that Beckett Johnson was born last night (11/16/06) at 5:30 p.m. 

It is a long story of how we ended up in delivery, but the basic facts are that I was having contractions for a couple of days (which they thought was an infection), I had an infection (that was a lot worse than what they originally thought), my water broke a couple nights before delivery (but we did not know that because the tests came back negative at first).  So, at my appointment yesterday, it became clear that we had to deliver. My uterus, my life and that of Beckett's were all at risk. There was no other option.  With his gestation age and the infection, we knew that Beckett would only be with us for a short while.  As our nurse said, we had a labor of grief. There are no other words to describe it.

He was perfect in every way, but at 22 weeks, he was just too little.   We were able to spend some time with him. The little time we had as parents to Beckett will always be cherished and tucked away in our hearts.  He held our fingers with his little hands and made sweet little noises when he was first born. We were able to hold him, bath him and just love him.  It was the saddest but most beautiful time of our lives.

The staff at Abbott Northwestern were amazing.  They helped us with this process in a gentle and caring way, and a wonderful organization sent a professional photographer to  take photos of Bob and I with our son.

What seemed like a long journey a few short days ago, seems all too short now.  I can assure all of you that some how and in some way Bob and I will move past the raw pain of the last couple of days. Even through the tough times, I have never questioned our love, but I realized over the last month and especially the last couple days, just how deep that love is.  Without writing a novel, I have to say that Bob is truly the best person I know...and you all are pretty wonderful people...so he has a lot of competition.

We want to speak with all of you, but right now, things are just too raw.  E-mail is so impersonal, but phone calls are just out of the question for at least a while...and I am sorry if this E-mail misses you for some time, but talking about it right now, is reliving it right now and we just need some time to process.    You all have been so caring and supportive along the way...the flowers, visits, E-mails, cards, care packages, etc... I apologize if I missed responding to any of your E-mails. I kept putting off responding this week because I was feeling so awful.  I never did get thank you notes out, but PLEASE know that we appreciated each and every gesture that came our way.  It was fuel that helped to keep us going.

Oh,and we are home now (good to be home with my furry girls), and at this time, I am infection free.

Ok, that was hard to do...with lots of tears along the way, but I feel much better going to sleep tonight knowing that you are all updated.  ..and once again, please forward this to anyone not on my e-mail list and or call those who you feel may need to be filled in. I am sending a separate E-mail to my work, but I would love if one of you with connections to Scrapbooks Plus could fill them in please, and Toni, please let people know at Sentinel (at least in general terms or forward this to the powers that be).  Thank you.

Love, Carey and Bob

Once again, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has sent has their love.

Everyday is still very difficult...not as bad as the first couple days, but still hard.  It is amazing the little things that become so hard to do when one is grieving.

When I am ready, I will post a new update soon with photos of Beckett.  He was really a beautiful baby and I am told he looked amazing for 22 weeks.